I look
forward to writing about my christmas, as a sequel to my Five Star Christmas,
but found myself too excited to even wait for a christmas story to share. Christmas is a season our family would always
anticipate. Christmas tree would be put up as early as the Ber months and would
carry on until late January. But
ironically, Christmas is seldom spent at home.

  Yesterday,
I once again killed time chatting with my very dear friend Cristina. It has
become an addiction I can’t (and obviously don’t want to) kick, but a good one
at that, that I totally forgot about the 4 lovely ladies whose faces I would
only see when they come to decorate our house (and transform it magically to a
wonderful christmas home that we seldom get to enjoy on christmas day itself).
Such is what happened that I was caught by surprise when I emerged out of my
room, for a dinner BREAK from chatting. Hehe! Christmas is 2 months away nalang
pala.

  This year,
christmas will be bittersweet. Our family has probably come to that point where
our lives are no longer ours only to share with. As much as I anticipate my
sister coming home from New York,
I dread the idea of my achie spending her last christmas with us. That is
probably why this year, holiday will be where it should have been spent a long
time ago – here at home.

  I realized
that I must have a bad separation anxiety problem – almost just like a kid,
wanting to be happy and smiling always and spending these happy moments with
the people they care very much for. I have been under Pavlovian conditioning
far long that I find missing people even before they’re gone. I dread the idea
of my patients dying even if they have a good year to live still. I absorb negative feelings even before they
happen. I am a hopeless idealist, in other words. A happy sponge as I would
call it. Others’ happiness fills my happy sponge – and turns me into a happy
little kid.

  I am
excited to bring home a baby – dog - soon (still looking for the perfect one
though). It will probably be my best christmas gift ever, not because it’s cute
or what but probably because it can fill the gap that my sisters would probably
leave when they’re gone. I think I’m still stuck in my own warp zone to figure
out how to live my own life as well. Medicine, having just taken away a good
chunk of my life, and quality time with my family, is finally taking its toll
on my happy little spirit, that I find myself resisting the urge to want to
regret it. The life of doctors are just…how should I put it….self sacrificing
that it is beyond me. I salute every doctor there is in this planet.

  My life is
a bunch of twisted ironies. It is my favorite thing to say to sum up the person
that is ME. But whatever comes after this Christmas, is something I would have
to deal. For now, my Christmas would definitely be better than my last year’s.